Well, October will make year Five that you have been gone. Five whole fucking years. Kind of crazy to think it’s been that long. We were together a total of Six and married for Three of those years. I can honestly say that I feel like I have been thru hell and back , well at least I feel like I have. I struggled so much the first year and a half that I honestly do not remember much of it. I still talk to you sometimes as if you can hear me. Sometimes I yell at you, mostly when I am having a really bad grief day and get angry. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me on purpose, you were never “THAT KIND” of guy who would intentionally be malicious to anyone, but part of me is still very angry with you for leaving me.
Becoming a widow was probably the most “eye opening” moment of my life. You never really understand how much pain your body can endure until you actually have to endure it. I can say this, it definitely has made me stronger. I have put myself thru college for the past Three years. That has been somewhat of a struggle and challenge for me. In the past when things got rough, I would usually say fuck it and stop doing it. Not this time. No. I kept going. I have tried to hold my head high and keep pressing on. I put that smile on my face to hide the past pain I have endured. Everyone likes a smile right? Sometimes even though there may be a smile, inside there is this girl who is still struggling to grasp WHY THE FUCK you would just cut short our life together like you did. We went thru so much to FINALLY be together. Two deployments and then a 2 year separation while you were stationed at Ft Knox in the Warrior Transition Unit, or as you called it “Broke Dick Battalion”.
So many unanswered questions still go thru my mind, five years later. They will never be answered. I will never get the reasons. I understand how horrible PTSD is and what you went thru, my PTSD sucks the very breath from my lungs. I would be lying if I said that I did not ever have thoughts of making the pain stop. But I press on. I have to. I’m too stubborn and hard headed to let it get to me. I thought you were too. I just want to know why.. thats all.. WHY…