Year Five

Well, October will make year Five that you have been gone. Five whole fucking  years. Kind of crazy to think it’s been that long. We were together a total of Six and married for Three of those years.  I can honestly say that I feel like I  have been thru hell and back , well at least I feel like I have. I struggled so much the first year and a half that I honestly do not remember much of it. I still talk to you sometimes as if  you can hear me. Sometimes I yell at you, mostly when I am having a really bad grief day and get angry. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me on purpose, you were never “THAT KIND” of guy who would intentionally be malicious to anyone, but part of me is still very angry with you for leaving me.

Becoming a widow was probably the most “eye opening” moment of my life. You never really understand how much pain your body can endure until you actually have to endure it. I can say this, it definitely has made me stronger. I have put myself thru college for the past Three years. That has been somewhat of a struggle and challenge for me. In the past when things got rough, I would usually say fuck it and stop doing it. Not this time. No. I kept going. I have tried to hold my head high and keep pressing on. I put that smile on my face to hide the past pain I have endured. Everyone likes a smile right? Sometimes even though there may be a smile, inside there is this girl who is still struggling to grasp WHY THE FUCK you would just cut short our life together like you did. We went thru so much to FINALLY be together. Two deployments and then a 2 year separation while you were stationed at Ft Knox in the Warrior Transition Unit, or as you called it “Broke Dick Battalion”.

So many  unanswered questions still go thru my mind, five years later. They will never be answered. I will never get the reasons. I understand how horrible PTSD is and what you went thru, my PTSD sucks the very breath from my lungs. I would be lying if I said that I did not ever have thoughts of making the pain stop. But I press on. I have to. I’m too stubborn and hard  headed to let it get to me. I thought you were too. I just want to know why.. thats all.. WHY…

Healing

It’s been 4 years and 7 months since I lost Shawn. Been a long, hard road traveled. I have since put myself back into school to become a nurse. Been doing the school thing for 3 years now, have 18 more months left. Going to make him proud.

Life has changed since he died. Moved from Kentucky back to California for a year. Then reconnected with an old boyfriend, and a year later I moved to Louisiana and have been here ever since. I’m finding my happy again. Some days are easier than others. Some days the grief takes it’s toll and rears it’s ugly head. But I press on. Have to. Won’t allow myself to be that broken girl that I became when he died. I’m stronger today and every day I gain a little bit more strength.  I miss him. I think that I always will. But I found love again. Some days I feel guilty because of that, but I know deep in my heart he would want me to smile and love again.

Been a while since I  have blogged so this is a bit rusty. lol

Why I am a widow.

This is an old blog from another site, but I figured I would add it to give a little bit of insight about me.

It all happened on October 16th, 2011….. well actually it started on the 15th at about 11:50pm when I rounded the corner of the family room to find Shawn slightly hunched over.. Looked like he was sleeping.. So I joked and said GET UP FOOL.. touched him, and when he fell over I freaked out..  to cut to the chase and save you the details. I did CPR with not good results, he looked up at me and took his last breath and just relaxed in my arms.. It was that moment that I knew my sweet Pookie (as i used to call him) had just let go and given up on this thing we call life..

Ptsd and TBI claimed him way before the massive heart attack did. And I hate the VA for not seeing what I saw or listening to what I told them..  they don’t care that I lost my best friend.